Andrew “Funny Writer” Nourie | email@example.com | March 13, 2019
Couples at our glorious school, d.tech, have been overcome with confusion and indecisiveness for far too long. Too many students have no idea where to take their sugar biscuits and snuggle bears. Fret no longer my lovely lovers, for I have brought my girlfriend, Taylor Abbey, on dates in countless different locations in a single day and rated them out of five stars.
Cafe Central is a cute little restaurant and coffee shop on Burlingame Avenue in Burlingame. There are a plethora of options for (overpriced) food and (also overpriced) coffee. It has a sleek, inviting, and white design to it that is not suited at all for a date. Taylor ordered a breakfast croissant and I ordered a very nice goat cheese and tomato quiche along with a nice drip coffee (of course she paid, I’m an equal rights advocate after all). There are a lot of people in this shop during breakfast time so you cannot smooch, but it isn’t too loud to have a nice conversation about how good your rye toast with avocado is. This is an alright area to start your day off, but you shouldn’t spend all your time here if you wish to (as the kids say) “get jiggy with it.” I give it three stars for tasty food, but I must take away two for being a tad too overpriced, and having an off vibe.
The second stop on our journey of love and adventure was Heritage Park, also located in Burlingame. I wanted to take my wonderful girlfriend here because there is an exposed drainage system reachable through some very precarious steps made of fine oak. This was an especially exciting date spot when it is raining. There is a beautiful brown sludge mixture that pours from the drain, a combination of rainwater and all the muck that can be found on the streets of Burlingame. It is quite a sight to behold. This picture depicts Taylor, having the time of her life while looking out over the canal of love. I rate this location five stars, but only when it is raining.
The CVS on El Camino
At, 4242 S El Camino Real El Camino Real lies one of the best places to take your lover, the pharmacy known as CVS. I can hear you asking ‘wow thanks idiot I already knew that CVS’s were the most optimal place to bring a date what is this,’ but this is no average CVS. Most average CVS’s are fully stocked with many items for sale, trying to appeal to your dark consumerist values, but this CVS is different. They take the approach of never being fully stocked, and in doing so show that they are not afraid to be different; they do not fear outcry from others for not having the correct amount of Pampers diapers. There is also a moldy musk about the place that makes it feel as if you are walking down the aisles it feels as if you are walking down the streets of Venice. I give this specific CVS five stars for its perfection.
Malibu Castle Golf & Games
The last stop on our quest to find the best location to bring your beautiful boy, girl, or other to is Malibu Castle Golf & Games in Redwood City. Malibu Castle Golf & Games, otherwise known as “Malibu” is an awesome location where you can play arcade games, minigolf, and even do some mini karting. There is a chain link fence and barbed wire surrounding the facility due to the fact that it was sold around half a decade ago. This just adds to the adventure. The cuts from the barbed wire spewing blood out and the policemen chasing you for going onto private property only add to the adventurous experience. I give Malibu three stars for the adventure and scars that are now permanently on my arms, giving me street cred. I must take away two due to the fact that I now have a criminal record.
Even if none of these places tickle your fancy it doesn’t really matter. If you find someone who you truly enjoy hanging out with it doesn’t matter if you go to the Louvre or a dumpster for your date. Finding some fancy place to go and have a date can be fun, but just being with the person you like can make the most boring outing into one you will never forget. Except for Menchi’s, screw that place.