Hezekiah Smithstein | email@example.com | April 1, 2019
NOTE: This article is an April Fools article, and should not be regarded as fact or truth in any way. This article does not reflect the views or reporting of the d.tech Dragon and is for entertainment purposes only.
Multiple payments to Design Tech High School have allegedly led to the admission of several d.tech students in the upcoming class of 2023, according to sources inside d.tech’s administration. In recent years, d.tech has become increasingly competitive, with around 1000 applicants each year for a mere 135 freshman spots. As a result, parents desperate to give their student a spot at the coveted school have gone to extreme measures to guarantee their child admission. To protect the identity of the students involved in these scandals, their identities will remain anonymous.
The first student was discovered when their parents were caught wiring a bribe to have their child recruited into the robotics team, d.tech’s most competitive sport. The d.tech staff was first alerted to this when the admissions team intercepted a wired transaction of $5,000,000 between the student’s parents and robotics advisor Wayne Brock. The student was guaranteed admission at d.tech on the grounds of being part of the robotics team, despite no prior experience in the sport. “I know it was morally wrong, but I had a vision of what the robotics team could become with all of those funds,” Brock explains, “Plus, we can always use an extra member, even if they need a bit of training.”
This news comes in the wake of the shocking USC scandals, where several wealthy parents were accused of bribing university officials to get their children onto competitive sports teams such as rowing and water polo. “In the wake of numerous scandals at the collegiate level, we are deeply disappointed to find that we are not immune to this epidemic,” Executive Director Ken Montgomery said in a statement released this morning. “This incident is not representative of Design Tech as a school and goes directly against our foundational values of trust, care, and community.”
Another attempt to influence admission was discovered when parents of an incoming freshman tried to bribe the coach of Design Tech’s swimming team, the idea having been inspired after hearing about a recent email chain that had gone through the school. “We figured the team would love to get more members, after sending out a recruiting email to the entire school not too long ago,” the student’s parents said, who spoke under the condition of anonymity. They were soon discovered after accidentally wiring the money to Junior Boris Malykin, who started the email chain, presuming that he was the coach. “It was a lot of money. It would have been nice to keep but I knew right away the school needed to know about this,” Malykin said. The intercepted bribe was lucky for the incoming student, who has aquaphobia and does not know how to swim.
As these cases have been uncovered, d.tech staff have been extensively screening the rest of the admitted students for any other cases of fraudulent entry to the school. The students involved have been temporarily suspended until further decision, and the consequences for all involved d.tech staff have yet to be determined as investigations continue.