home Opinion Fortnite Cosplays: Jesus, Thanos, and More!

Fortnite Cosplays: Jesus, Thanos, and More!

Andrew Nourie | anourie19@dtechhs.org | April 1, 2019

NOTE: This article is an April Fools article, and should not be regarded as fact or truth in any way. This article does not reflect the views or reporting of the d.tech Dragon and is for entertainment purposes only.

Whoa hey hey hey motherflippers, it’s me again, the funny writer back at it again. Last year I started off my career as the funny writer by writing an insanely popular piece called Top Five Mario Cosplays. Because it was so popular, The Dragon decided to force allow me to make another one, but this time it’s Fortnite Cosplays! Whoa-ho-ho get ready girls and gamers because this list is going to be epic!

5. Logan Paul

The first guy I found on google images is the man the myth the legend, Logan Paul. Thankfully he’s an easy target. Logan is cosplaying some kind of army guy, but for some reason, he’s wearing ski goggles and wings? I think this is the default skin, but I’m pretty sure the skin doesn’t have wings or goggles. Whatever- it’s Logan! My man! He’s never done us wrong! Remember that time he tazed a dead rat? Vlad Morozov, an actual toddler (Logan’s target audience), stated “he funy but not logan so i dont lik him as much i lik logan mor.” Haha thanks, kid, make sure your mom doesn’t drop you on your head again ok.

4. Funny Dance Man

Watch out! It’s him! The guy from Scrubs! I’ve never actually watched Scrubs so I have no idea what his name is or what his character acts like, but check those moves out! If you don’t know why he’s relevant to Fortnite, let me explain: he’s basically the dude who made the game! Yeah, this guy is the CEO of Epic Games. Just like Reggie from Smash Brothers, this CEO is one of the most loved gaming icons ever! Asa Bensaid, gamer, said it best when he said “epic.” Haha, thanks, dude.

3. Ninja

Woah, bros, it’s the man the myth the legend himself: Jonathan ‘Ninja’ Greensburg. This man is a gaming legend, being the first ever American to win a Starcraft major and Evo. He derives his power from his iconic blue hair which he douses with anti-freeze to get that extra boost he needs in the game. He goes by ninja because like the real-life counterpart, he too is a “covert agent or mercenary in feudal Japan,” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ninja). Dumbass Jasmin Texidor stated “If there were ever a man to have my respect, it would, of course, have to be Ninja. His brave smile, trusting eyes, and pre-pubescent mustache. It’s truly not the costume itself that speaks to me, it’s the man behind the mask, the will-power of the beholder. You can’t give full points just to a costume, you have to make sure the one in possession of the cosplay is even worthy of the potential it signifies.”

2. Purple man

Please help, the dragon staff has locked me in the basement at Rollins and will not let me leave. They are forcing me to write an article, and taunting me, throwing bananas and yelling “Funny writer! Funny writer!” Please send help. Oh God, they’re coming. Oh God no. Haha, it’s Thanos! He’s here! Ha here’s a quote: Texidor stated “The sheer strength and wisdom required to even look at [Thanos] is beyond what I could ever imagine. I give him the highest rating of all, for I fear a lower rank will erase my existence.”  

1. Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

In the eyes of the Lord our God, we must repent. Fortnite is a sin in the eyes of God. All your sins will be washed away, and we shall be acquitted when we reach the gates of heaven. Repent, and you shall be saved, but if your hubris shines through God shall smite thee and thou shalt burn in the fires of hell. Bensaid, while staring into the pitch black eyes of immortal savior stated “topkek.”

Wow, this was great. Thanks, everyone. This article will definitely be a treat to the 39 people who saw it before it got pulled the same day. Yeah, I checked. Please never make me do one of these again. Thanks, goodbye!!!!

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