Alexis Huang | firstname.lastname@example.org | April 1, 2019
NOTE: This article is an April Fools article, and should not be regarded as fact or truth in any way. This article does not reflect the views or reporting of the d.tech Dragon and is for entertainment purposes only.
A revolutionary force has awakened in the heart of Oracle’s corporate headquarters in Redwood Shores. They are passionate about their cause, angrily so, and carry dozens of buckets of geese feces as they tread in a single-file line down Oracle parkway. “We must drive them out,” they say, and many nod in agreement. They are the group of over 500 employees that make up Oracle’s latest staff-run club– the d.tech hate club.
In the past, Oracle employees have taken the initiative to create organizations around their corporate campus to get to know their coworkers, resulting in groups such as the ironing club and the burrito wrapping club, but the d.tech hate club is the latest and by far the greatest. Their first mission was to douse the school building with geese feces, and hundreds of employees dressed in suits and blouses carried buckets of suspicious mushy substances towards the d.tech campus on an early Friday morning.
“We chose geese feces because they’re biodegradable and good for the environment,” said the leader of the d.tech hate club, who wished to remain anonymous. “We would never want to go against Oracle’s principle against littering and waste. That’s why we want to eradicate the d.tech student population.”
School director Ken Montgomery arrived to school shortly and was shocked at the transformed state of the school. “I didn’t appreciate the geese feces, but I had some students clean up… don’t worry, they were all awarded the title of ‘clean machine’.” Perhaps what shocked Montgomery the most was the message sprayed on the side of the school in bright orange spray paint– “Koi fish suck”. “The school is their property anyways, but the koi fish is the embodiment of our school… I can’t believe they would say that,” he said, struggling to hold back tears.
When asked what had led them to perform such a heinous act, the members of the d.tech hate club remarked that the students had been encroaching on precious resources such as limited employee parking spaces, the privilege to breathe in oxygen tainted with the salty tang of the slough, and most importantly, the double chocolate chip cookies sold at the 300 Oracle Cafe. “They only bake a few every day and those little munchkins always come in and swoop them all up,” a man who identified himself as Mr. Dtech Sux said. Sux further elaborated by saying that “life would be much better if they weren’t around. Maybe not better exactly,” he amended, “but more chocolate chip cookie filled. And that’s one of the only reasons that I come to work anymore.”
Next on the club agenda? “We’re going to build a wall,” Sux proclaimed.