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The Pains of Childbirth

Andrew Nourie | anourie19@dtechhs.org | April 1, 2019

NOTE: This article is an April Fools article, and should not be regarded as fact or truth in any way. This article does not reflect the views or reporting of the d.tech Dragon and is for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Nourie (center) gives birth as his two midwives Matthew Silverman (left) and Hezekiah Smithstein (right) give him encouragement through the painful process.

I was sitting there, legs spread, with a midwife screaming “Push! Push!” The excruciating pain from pushing something the size a watermelon out through my birth canal makes me almost lose consciousness. A head slowly reveals itself from my loins; next the body, next the feet. As I’m lying there, drained from the exhausting and exuberant journey of childbirth, the midwife hands me my beautiful baby boy, and I know that it’s all worth it.

Pregnancy and giving birth are the most empowering things a man can go through. The negative moon energy that is released from your soul during childbirth leads way to the sun energy that comes from creating life. Many people think this natural process is disgusting and should be censored. This is a huge issue for birthing people looking to be empowered by this process. Some social media sites have begun to allow birth photos and videos because of a petition to try to help mothers share their birth stories. This is just another example of the man being too scared of an event that actually empowers mothers instead of putting them down.

There are many options for how to give birth, but hiring a midwife to help you achieve a water birth in your own home is the most natural and safe option for most people. My first birth took place in a hospital, and it was a terrible experience for me. The doctors kept telling me that I was a “freak of nature,” and that it was “biologically impossible for me to give birth.” They asked me where my partner was, and I attempted to explain to them that it was an immaculate conception, but they refused to believe me. They would suffer due to that mistake.

That all changed during my second birth when I hired a midwife. They helped me physically, emotionally, and spiritually give birth to my second beautiful baby boy. The whites in my baby’s eyes turned black when I uttered its true name, ‘Beelzebub.’ The midwife began to shriek, as my son slowly started to etch her soul into oblivion. It was much easier to clean up than when I gave a hospital birth. The hellish nightmares where an army of demons demanded me to allow them passage into our mortal plane only lasted for about a week.

Birth is truly the most empowering thing a mother can go through, and you don’t have to have sex or even be a woman to do it. I urge others to share their birth stories, like I have, to show potential mothers that birth isn’t a thing to be afraid of, but that it’s the most powerful thing that you will ever experience.

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