| Benji Chang | email@example.com | January 28, 2020 |
Let’s face it, the 2010s were a cretinous bunch of frankly disgusting years and for wooden-headed people whose skulls were full of unsanded, unattractive, unacceptable oak wood. If you enjoyed the 2010s you are clearly not very cool or good because they were awful. Luckily, the Roaring Twenties are poised to be the most action-packed decade since the 1770s, when the God blessed U.S.A. was founded. Luckily for you, reader, I happen to know all about the coming decade. Come, gaze into my crystal ball with me.
Without a doubt, the most influential event of this decade will be the landslide victory of Dr. Ken Montgomery in the 2024 presidential elections. He will, of course, win on the platform of Design Thinking and will instigate sweeping reforms in the government and the nation itself. His first act as president will be to found the Department of Design Thinking and appoint d.tech’s director, Melissa Mizel, as its leader.
With Mizel at the head of the DoDT, d.tech will be directly incorporated into the federal government and will become a chain. New d.techs will pop up all over the U.S. and then spread throughout the rest of North America. They will reach a global scale by 2029 (the start of Montgomery’s second term) and become the new McDonald’s of the world. In fact, each d.tech will have a drive-through where people can pull up and order various products. Students in state of the art DRGs will then make the products for the customer. It’s not child labor, trust me.
d.techs will become the shining beacons of hope and innovation in the world and pave the way to a better future. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to solve everything, namely climate change. This will mostly be due to the fact that the students will be so busy making products as well as combatting DBL: the new grading system in which students must design their own grading system for every assignment they complete.
With the lack of awareness of climate change from the d.techs the effects of climate change will not be able to be stopped. Unfortunately, climate change will progress much faster than scientists have previously thought. Fortunately, climate change actually won’t end up being a huge problem. Temperatures and seas will rise which will force people to move inland, but the temperature rise actually won’t kill off any animals or cause natural disasters to become more intense. Instead, the newly risen seas will give us more room to install giant floating bouncy castles all along the coasts. Also, all the submerged cities will become inhabited by talking octopuses with whom we humans will build a positive and constructive relationship.
Speaking of entertainment, a major source of it will be banned by constitutional amendment 611 on August 15, 2025. As in the prohibition era, mobile phones will be made illegal to use or possess. The process will be spearheaded by the Society In Turmoil, Uproar and Panic Since Teens Really Are Into Gaming with Hellish Telephones organization. The goal of the anti-telephoners will be to create a more friendly and caring society by getting people to engage with the people in their personal lives.
Obviously, this will lead to the development of speakeasies for phones. However, instead of being in bars, most speakeasies will be concealed in schools. For example, the original d.tech (now doubling as a monument) will have a speakeasy in the secret chamber behind the paper towel dispenser in the bathroom. There will not be any alcohol in these speakeasies, instead, there will be a wide array of smartphones available for people to play games on and text their friends. Thusly, the plans of the Society will be thwarted by those meddling teens and their telephones.
Oh boy, oh boy, what a decade the 2020s will be. They will be so action-packed that it is impossible to cover all of the events that will happen in just one article. Hopefully, you’re excited for all of the good times to come and have a plan to combat the raging wildfires that will inevitably reach your home. In any event, you can rest easy knowing that the decade will end with a Hulk Hogan sized bang, but don’t even worry-fret, bro.